Checking in

I haven't had much desire to share my life these days. I've been happily living it day by day with little desire to write it down, analyze the hell out of it like usual.  Also, there's the question of whether I should continue with this blog.  I wonder what my son would say if he reads it one day.  I wonder what my love would say, reading about my past with another.  Since that chapter of my life is over, should I close it all?  Delete the evidence of it's existence, pretend I was always this happy and at peace.  That sounds like the easiest thing to do, and part of me really wants to go there.  But part of me thinks it's important to embrace my whole journey.  My mistakes.  My heartbreaks.  I don't want to hide anymore.  This is not a new story, it's just the next chapter.  One that hopefully ends with "and they lived happily ever after..."

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Oh how quickly life can change

Sometimes your life changes so drastically that all you can do is sit back and take time to adjust to it.  Some people do it surrounded by friends, leaning on others for support, but I'm the type who prefers to do it alone.  Go inside myself and sit with it, analyze it, until it starts to feel okay.  Less foreign. That's where I've been these last few months.  Adjusting, accepting, facing fears, sometimes silently mourning, often quietly celebrating.

That boy. The one with the dimples.  The one who came along right when I stopped trying so hard and allowed myself to be open to new love.  Good love.  He's here with me now, in my home. Which is now our home.  And I still can't believe how lucky I am.  How quickly you can fall in love when its just right.  Finally there are no doubts, no questions. It just Is.

And soon there will be another.  Another person to love.  Not long after the first I loves you slipped from our lips the knowledge that we'd be a family soon hit like a cyclone.  It's all so fast. Maybe too fast?  Maybe.  Yet it feels right and natural, like we've been here all along. On these roads that diverged just a few short months ago that I'm certain are leading us to indescribable happiness.  I sound like a different person reading my words now.  No sadness or doubt.  Just a quiet knowledge that all the hurt and all the parts of my story that were so hard to live were leading me to this moment and a new chapter. And that I'm finally, happily at peace.

Of course it could just be the hormones...

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"Sometimes she has imagined what it would be like to fly, to live in the river, to run like a horse. She has dreamed of that freedom, that power, and fears the wildness in herself that wants to live as beasts live, moved purely by need and desire. She has felt torn between the heat of her limbs and the thoughts in her mind telling her to be careful and good and always calm."

~Francesca Lia Block

But these are days we dream about, when the sunlight paints us gold

As people slowly find out that I’ve resigned from the job I’ve been at for 5 years in the career I’ve been in for 10 years, the first question out of their mouth is always the same.  “What are you going to do?”  I’m sure they expect me to say “oh, I’ve got a job at another firm” or maybe even “I’m going back to school.”  I’m sure they expect something.  Some plan.  Some idea of what I’m going to do with myself, how I’m going to pay my bills.  And I’m always at a loss, because truthfully I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself.  I have zero motivation.  Zero interest.  My therapist asked me what I wanted to do and I told her I have no idea.  I’ve lost my zest for life, my drive.  I literally do not have the motivation or desire to do anything.  And so she asked me what I will do that first week.  That first week when I no longer have any limitations on my time.  And that thought sounded so delicious to me.  Right now it feels so far away and there's so much to do before I get there, but eventually I will have that first week.  And I said the first thing that popped into my head - I’m going to sleep!  (real original right?) I’m going to wake up late and make my breakfast from scratch, and brew my favorite coffee.  I’m going to take my dog on long walks, and start a garden in my backyard so we can spend the day in the sunshine together.  I’m going to spend hours cooking my dinner, everything fresh and homemade.  I’m going to stay up late into the night sewing and creating, and I’m going to finish my day curled on the couch with Harley in my lap reading. 

And she told me something that made all my insecurities and doubts disappear (this is why I pay her the big bucks).  She said “You know what you want.  You want to simplify.”  Yes!  That is exactly what I’m yearning for.  Simplicity.  I pay someone to wash and iron my clothes, I eat take out for dinner, I buy new clothes because I haven’t had time to clean the ones I already have.  I’ve worked to the point of exhaustion and sacrificed my family, my dreams, my relationships, my hair that falls out in clumps due to stress – all for what?  So I can make enough money to pay strangers to take care of my life.  Doesn’t that seem ridiculous?  I’m ready to live my own life.  All of it.  Even the dirty parts.

I realize this is nothing revolutionary.  Many people before me have come to this conclusion, and many people after me will as well. The fact that I'm ridiculously lucky to even be able to do this isn't lost on me either.  Now that the time is drawing near and my last day is almost upon me, I no longer worry what will come next.  My only worry now is that I make it count.

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Follow your heart...but be sure to bring your brain with you

I think I have an addiction.  To love.  Or at least the prospect of it.  I don't seek it out, I'm not unhappy alone.  I'm quite a solitary creature and honestly happy to go to bed with my arm around my Golden Retriever and my cat curled between my feet.  But when the prospect of that next amazing possibility comes idling by, I find it near impossible not to breath it in, consume it.  I know I don't need a relationship right now.  I need to concentrate on myself.  Rebuilding, focusing.  I tried to resist it, I really did.  But then along came those damn dimples, and the way he has of tilting his head down and looking up at me through his lashes that creates this zip in my stomach I can't remember feeling anything quite like.  He has this quiet, undertone of humor that gets me every time.  I find unable to resist the urge of that high I get when I can't help think, is this one for me?

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Still learning

I must admit that even though things are getting better and I'm figuring it all out, there are still moments of self-doubt and fear.  Of sadness and worry.  I guess that will always be so?  I still don't have relationships and dating figured out.  Obviously.  But right now every date, every potential relationship feels like a test.  Am I going too slow, am I going too fast, should I go out with him again, is that a deal breaker, what does it mean that he hasn't called yet, is it weird that he called this soon, do I actually like him or are those dimples just making me lust after him?  Dating can be fun.  It should be.  But when I get to that place of scrutiny then it just becomes another stressor in my life, which I think kind of defeats the purpose.  I'm supposed to be looking for someone to enrich my life, not define it or complete it.  So when I get to that place I know something else has got me off kilter.  Something's missing that I'm inadvertently looking to someone else to complete.  Which means it's time to take a step back, get my bearings, and find peace within myself.  And right now with the end of my job drawing near, and no definitive plan on what I'm going to do next, it's no wonder I'm feeling unsettled.  And so I had to remind myself today (again) that even though I'm filling a bit empty and adrift due to the massive changes in my life, I'm still whole all on my own.  Which reminded me of a video I saw once and completely fell in love with.  I go back from time to time and watch it, just because I think it's an important message for a single gal like me to remember.

Making room for something better

If you keep at it long enough, eventually there’s a shift.  Eventually you won’t be faking it anymore.  Eventually you’ll catch yourself smiling again.  Laughing even.  Eventually you’ll feel that little flutter in your belly when you notice the way your date’s eyes crinkle at the side when he smiles.  Eventually you’ll feel on the edge of happy and know that the real thing is right around the corner.  These things I know.

Eventually you’ll remember what true joy feels like.  Eventually you’ll start to hope for the future.  Eventually you’ll be excited for the adventure in front of you.  Eventually you'll fall head right over heels in love again.  These things I hope.

This is the last time I’m going to talk about Him because my heart’s finally ready to accept what my head’s known all along.  It’s time for me to let him go.  My Not So Safe Guy who right from the beginning I knew was going to be the first man in my life I’d risk it all for.  Truly fall stupidly, madly, ridiculously in love.  And I don’t regret it one bit, because I learned so much from it.  I learned that I was capable of crazy love.  I learned that I’m willing to give everything to someone, wholeheartedly.  And most importantly I learned that when it was all over, and I hit rock bottom, that I’d be okay.  Because of him I’m no longer afraid to fall in love.  And for that I’ll be forever grateful.  

And you know...after months of mooning after an inappropriate all wrong for me rocker, as soon as I decided to move on and let go along came a prep in button down plaid and khaki shorts who makes me feel beautiful again.  Who knows where it'll go, but for now I'm dying for his dimples.  This I know.

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