Now I become myself

Checking in

2012-01-12T12:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't had much desire to share my life these days. I've been happily living it day by day with little desire to write it down, analyze the hell out of it like usual. Also, there's the question of whether I should continue with this blog. I wonder what my son would say if he reads it one day. I wonder what my love would say, reading about my past with another. Since that chapter of my life is over, should I close it all? Delete the evidence of it's existence, pretend I was always this happy and at peace. That sounds like the easiest thing to do, and part of me really wants to go there. But part of me thinks it's important to embrace my whole journey. My mistakes. My heartbreaks. I don't want to hide anymore. This is not a new story, it's just the next chapter. One that hopefully ends with "and they lived happily ever after..."

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Oh how quickly life can change

2011-10-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your life changes so drastically that all you can do is sit back and take time to adjust to it. Some people do it surrounded by friends, leaning on others for support, but I'm the type who prefers to do it alone. Go inside myself and sit with it, analyze it, until it starts to feel okay. Less foreign. That's where I've been these last few months. Adjusting, accepting, facing fears, sometimes silently mourning, often quietly celebrating.

That boy. The one with the dimples. The one who came along right when I stopped trying so hard and allowed myself to be open to new love. Good love. He's here with me now, in my home. Which is now our home. And I still can't believe how lucky I am. How quickly you can fall in love when its just right. Finally there are no doubts, no questions. It just Is.

And soon there will be another. Another person to love. Not long after the first I loves you slipped from our lips the knowledge that we'd be a family soon hit like a cyclone. It's all so fast. Maybe too fast? Maybe. Yet it feels right and natural, like we've been here all along. On these roads that diverged just a few short months ago that I'm certain are leading us to indescribable happiness. I sound like a different person reading my words now. No sadness or doubt. Just a quiet knowledge that all the hurt and all the parts of my story that were so hard to live were leading me to this moment and a new chapter. And that I'm finally, happily at peace.

Of course it could just be the hormones...

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2011-05-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes she has imagined what it would be like to fly, to live in the river, to run like a horse. She has dreamed of that freedom, that power, and fears the wildness in herself that wants to live as beasts live, moved purely by need and desire. She has felt torn between the heat of her limbs and the thoughts in her mind telling her to be careful and good and always calm."

~Francesca Lia Block

But these are days we dream about, when the sunlight paints us gold

2011-04-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

As people slowly find out that I’ve resigned from the job I’ve been at for 5 years in the career I’ve been in for 10 years, the first question out of their mouth is always the same. “What are you going to do?” I’m sure they expect me to say “oh, I’ve got a job at another firm” or maybe even “I’m going back to school.” I’m sure they expect something. Some plan. Some idea of what I’m going to do with myself, how I’m going to pay my bills. And I’m always at a loss, because truthfully I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself. I have zero motivation. Zero interest. My therapist asked me what I wanted to do and I told her I have no idea. I’ve lost my zest for life, my drive. I literally do not have the motivation or desire to do anything. And so she asked me what I will do that first week. That first week when I no longer have any limitations on my time. And that thought sounded so delicious to me. Right now it feels so far away and there's so much to do before I get there, but eventually I will have that first week. And I said the first thing that popped into my head - I’m going to sleep! (real original right?) I’m going to wake up late and make my breakfast from scratch, and brew my favorite coffee. I’m going to take my dog on long walks, and start a garden in my backyard so we can spend the day in the sunshine together. I’m going to spend hours cooking my dinner, everything fresh and homemade. I’m going to stay up late into the night sewing and creating, and I’m going to finish my day curled on the couch with Harley in my lap reading.

And she told me something that made all my insecurities and doubts disappear (this is why I pay her the big bucks). She said “You know what you want. You want to simplify.” Yes! That is exactly what I’m yearning for. Simplicity. I pay someone to wash and iron my clothes, I eat take out for dinner, I buy new clothes because I haven’t had time to clean the ones I already have. I’ve worked to the point of exhaustion and sacrificed my family, my dreams, my relationships, my hair that falls out in clumps due to stress – all for what? So I can make enough money to pay strangers to take care of my life. Doesn’t that seem ridiculous? I’m ready to live my own life. All of it. Even the dirty parts.

I realize this is nothing revolutionary. Many people before me have come to this conclusion, and many people after me will as well. The fact that I'm ridiculously lucky to even be able to do this isn't lost on me either. Now that the time is drawing near and my last day is almost upon me, I no longer worry what will come next. My only worry now is that I make it count.

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Follow your heart...but be sure to bring your brain with you

2011-04-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

I think I have an addiction. To love. Or at least the prospect of it. I don't seek it out, I'm not unhappy alone. I'm quite a solitary creature and honestly happy to go to bed with my arm around my Golden Retriever and my cat curled between my feet. But when the prospect of that next amazing possibility comes idling by, I find it near impossible not to breath it in, consume it. I know I don't need a relationship right now. I need to concentrate on myself. Rebuilding, focusing. I tried to resist it, I really did. But then along came those damn dimples, and the way he has of tilting his head down and looking up at me through his lashes that creates this zip in my stomach I can't remember feeling anything quite like. He has this quiet, undertone of humor that gets me every time. I find unable to resist the urge of that high I get when I can't help think, is this one for me?

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Still learning

2011-04-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

I must admit that even though things are getting better and I'm figuring it all out, there are still moments of self-doubt and fear. Of sadness and worry. I guess that will always be so? I still don't have relationships and dating figured out. Obviously. But right now every date, every potential relationship feels like a test. Am I going too slow, am I going too fast, should I go out with him again, is that a deal breaker, what does it mean that he hasn't called yet, is it weird that he called this soon, do I actually like him or are those dimples just making me lust after him? Dating can be fun. It should be. But when I get to that place of scrutiny then it just becomes another stressor in my life, which I think kind of defeats the purpose. I'm supposed to be looking for someone to enrich my life, not define it or complete it. So when I get to that place I know something else has got me off kilter. Something's missing that I'm inadvertently looking to someone else to complete. Which means it's time to take a step back, get my bearings, and find peace within myself. And right now with the end of my job drawing near, and no definitive plan on what I'm going to do next, it's no wonder I'm feeling unsettled. And so I had to remind myself today (again) that even though I'm filling a bit empty and adrift due to the massive changes in my life, I'm still whole all on my own. Which reminded me of a video I saw once and completely fell in love with. I go back from time to time and watch it, just because I think it's an important message for a single gal like me to remember.

Making room for something better

2011-04-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

If you keep at it long enough, eventually there’s a shift. Eventually you won’t be faking it anymore. Eventually you’ll catch yourself smiling again. Laughing even. Eventually you’ll feel that little flutter in your belly when you notice the way your date’s eyes crinkle at the side when he smiles. Eventually you’ll feel on the edge of happy and know that the real thing is right around the corner. These things I know.

Eventually you’ll remember what true joy feels like. Eventually you’ll start to hope for the future. Eventually you’ll be excited for the adventure in front of you. Eventually you'll fall head right over heels in love again. These things I hope.

This is the last time I’m going to talk about Him because my heart’s finally ready to accept what my head’s known all along. It’s time for me to let him go. My Not So Safe Guy who right from the beginning I knew was going to be the first man in my life I’d risk it all for. Truly fall stupidly, madly, ridiculously in love. And I don’t regret it one bit, because I learned so much from it. I learned that I was capable of crazy love. I learned that I’m willing to give everything to someone, wholeheartedly. And most importantly I learned that when it was all over, and I hit rock bottom, that I’d be okay. Because of him I’m no longer afraid to fall in love. And for that I’ll be forever grateful.

And you know...after months of mooning after an inappropriate all wrong for me rocker, as soon as I decided to move on and let go along came a prep in button down plaid and khaki shorts who makes me feel beautiful again. Who knows where it'll go, but for now I'm dying for his dimples. This I know.

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Rose colored glasses indeed

2011-04-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how being in love can completely distort your perception? When you love somebody they couldn't be more handsome, more shiny, more everything. Ever since we had the talk about our relationship, our friendship, and I finally let go of the hope that we'd be something more some day, I've started to see Him in a whole new light. Don't get me wrong, I still love him. It's just a different kind of love now. Something just a little more protective than friendship kind of love. But now when I look at him he seems so old. So tired. I saw him last night and the transformation was so drastic it caught me by surprise. I used to think every inch of him was perfection. When he'd reach up and I'd get a glimpse of the skin between his waistband and shirt, it seemed like silken ivory. The wrinkles around his eyes reminded me of thousands of lifetimes he'd already lived. His tiny paunch looked like the perfect pillow to lay my head at the end of a long day. But last night as he walked toward me the overhead lights seemed to deepen his wrinkles, the circles below his eyes looked sallow, and he looked every one of his 41 years. Whereas just a few weeks ago the sight of him would have set butterflies swirling and an ache in my chest, all I felt was a tender sympathy for him. It was a bittersweet moment realizing what we had was gone, and wondering if finally I've moved on.

It's as if the universe was waiting for me to let the past go

2011-03-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

I yearn for simplicity in my life, yet I do such good work of creating stress and chaos I'm not sure what I'd do with myself in its absence. I'd been having a hard time of things lately. Really a very hard time. A wake up at 3 a.m. every morning unable to go back to sleep as every terrible, troubling doubt races through my head kind of hard time. A subsisting off of caffeine and ibuprofen and hardly remembering what the absence of a headache feels like kind of hard time. I'd never felt so lost and alone in my entire life. And after a stressful Sunday morning of running around my neighborhood in search of my cat who'd slipped over the fence and out of the safety of my backyard, after being stopped by a policeman because he'd seen me running hysterically through the neighborhood and jumping over fences into people's yards (which is apparently frowned upon), I was so low I just sat there at the end of the day with wave after wave of loss rolling over me. And I wasn't sure how I'd gotten to that point, all I knew is I was tired of being sad and I was ready to let it all go. And so that's exactly what I did...I let it all go. It wasn't necessarily overnight, but eventually I started to feel better. Lighter. Eventually I wasn't interested in the things that created so much complexity. Then by surprise something came along so utterly amazing I don't even want to analyze it or doubt it or fear it. I'm happily just letting myself fall, and even though on occasion I feel a wave of fear and want to grab for branches I know that even if I fall all the way to the bottom I'll be okay. And who knows, maybe this time someone will catch me.

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Be Kind

2011-03-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

The depression that’s had me in its grip is starting to loosen and I’m finally feeling a sense of buoyancy and lightness. Last night I had dinner with two of my best friends, just us girls. Something I haven’t done in so long it’s ridiculous. Now that everyone’s married, engaged, significantly othered, we forget the importance of taking time away to reconnect as girlfriends. We ate sushi, sipped wine and sake, laughed. I finally remembered what it felt like to be happy out in the world, rather than tucked away at home enveloped in my own sadness. I went to bed with a smile. I slept through the night for the first time this week. And then this morning I sat down with my morning cup of coffee, turned on the TV, and saw the water envelope everything. I wanted to write something about it. About my sorrow for so much loss. But something about that doesn’t feel right. My words are too far removed. But what I will say is this – be kind and loving to the people you see today. Every one of them, even when it’s hard. Because you just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

~Plato

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Brand New Day

2011-03-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve never really been much of a music person. I mean, I enjoy music (really, who doesn’t) but sort of as an afterthought. Oh yes, that’s nice. When given the choice between music and silence I’ll often choose silence, where I can sit nestled in my own head and analyze myself into depression or outright mania. But lately I’ve been hearing just the right songs at just the right time, as if there's a literal soundtrack to my life. And they've had the power to move me to my core, and make my heart hurt in that good way where I think "oh there you are, I haven't noticed you in awhile."

Today this feels an awful lot like my theme song.

If you are going through hell, keep going

2011-03-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking I need a break for awhile. A break from self-doubt, self-pity, fear, sadness, regret. I'm done with it all for a bit. I miss just being. I miss acceptance. I miss happiness. I truly believe there's a need for reflection and looking back on the past to learn from it. I believe it's important to lean into your emotions and feel them to your core, no matter if they're rational. We can't be selective with our emotions, so if we're sad we should allow ourselves that. We should be honest with ourselves about where it's coming from, whether or not we're seeing things clearly, whether or not we need to change ourselves or the situation. Or whether we need to just accept that this Thing that is causing our sadness just Is, and then move past it.

Last week I found out my father was coming into town. He didn't call to let me know, I found out from my little brother. And it sent me spiraling down into a deep dark place I'd never been. My thoughts scared me. I wanted so badly to retreat from my life. I wanted to stop. It overwhelmed me and the darkness of my thoughts terrified me. But for some reason I felt like it was important to just keep going. To feel the pain and sadness, but to show up for my life anyway. To go to work and do the best job I could. To visit with friends. To show up at dinner and listen to my father's new girlfriend look on my father with awe and comment on what beautiful children he had and how amazingly he'd raised them. And although I wanted to scream that he'd had no hand in it, that he was no father at all to us, instead I just smiled. And still the darkness felt like something I needed to get through. Like if I stopped I'd be right back to the beginning. So I kept going.

But today I'm feeling like it's time to rest. I'm not sure if I've made it through, but I need to detour off the path a bit and look to the light. Regain my strength, refocus, and refuel my soul. Maybe at some point I'll head back into the darkness, examine what I haven't yet learned. Or maybe I'll decide the time has come to let it all go and work on that acceptance part. We shall see.

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You say therapy, I say cruel and unusual punishment

2011-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

I realize I sound ridiculously emo and whiney in my writing, and frankly that’s how I feel 50% of the time. But just as often I have days, even weeks, where I’m just happy. And filled with gratitude. Typically not for any reason more than the sun is out and my dog loves me. And this week has been filled with those days, where I’m just thankful for the little blessings in my life. I’m thankful even for the sorrows and heartbreak that have helped me grow into the person I want to be. I’m thankful that He came along and broke my heart, because now I know I have one..and it works. I’m thankful that my mother raised me to be a strong, independent woman, and I’m thankful that she loved me the best she knew how. I’m thankful for the peanut butter on my toast, for the warm cat in my lap, for the tiny, drafty house that so easily feels like a home.

But then I go to therapy…

And then I just feel like crap all over again. My therapist tells me skipping over how I feel about something and going straight to gratitude is just another defense mechanism so that I don’t have to feel whatever it is I feel about something. And I can’t help wonder why I’m paying someone to make me feel miserable. And don’t they say if you approach every day with a grateful heart you’ll be happy? Why is this emotional well-being crap so damn hard to figure out? Maybe the point is to learn how to live side by side with gratitude while accepting some things just suck and aren’t fair.

Hearts and flowers and cupcakes, oh my

2011-02-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

I’ve always been a fan of Valentine’s Day.  Significant other or no, it’s always been a day worth celebrating.  Regardless of its origins or how people tell you it should be celebrated, I see no harm in a day who’s pure purpose is to celebrate Love.  With a capital L.  Even when I’m single I like to dress up a bit, wear a little red lipstick, and just celebrate the fact that there is love, there is romance, and frankly there IS a reason to eat chocolate covered strawberries and cupcakes.  I’ve never felt sorry for myself or lamented not getting flowers delivered. (well not since high school anyway) And this year is really no different.  I’m wearing my red lipstick and my favorite black patent high heels.  I’m still happy for this day.   

But there are threads of emotion slinking their way through it.  Not really sadness or loneliness, just a touch of melancholy.  Wondering if it was such a good idea to plan dinner with Him.  Wondering who Mr. Perfect is sending flowers to and what our Valentine’s celebration might have been like.  I guess when thinking about love and relationships I’m no longer able to separate the happiness from the sorrows.  Which at the end of the day is okay.  Every relationship and heartbreak along our journey shapes us into the type of person we are, and when we finally find each other those things will be a part of our story.  The prequel to what I know will be a simply amazing love story. 

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The power of vulnerability

2011-02-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

This seems to be making it's way around the interwebs but I wanted to post it here not only because I think it's an important message for every single person to hear, but also so that I have the link to go back to whenever I need a reminder. It's a bit long, 20 minutes, but so worth it. Within the first two minutes I knew it was a message I needed to hear.

Spring Palette Challenge

2011-02-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

One of my resolutions for this year was to make or re-purpose all of my clothing, meaning NO SHOPPING for clothing all year long. While I knew this would be a painful undertaking, I figured it would accomplish three goals:

1. help me save money - very important when you decide to up and quit your job without any other means of income
2. motivate me to practice sewing, and
3. force me to lose the 15 pounds I slowly gained during 2010 - after all if you can't buy any new clothes you'd better make sure you're able to fit into your old ones (let me add I do not believe in dieting to fit a particular size or shape, but I've developed some unhealthy habits - not to mention a wicked sweet tooth - that I'd like to kick)

So when I stumbled upon the Spring Palette Challenge I was so excited (sew excited?). Not only will this motivate me to pull some sewing projects together, but in the midst of our coldest front of the year it helps me to look forward to days of warmer weather and sundresses. And sew it begins…

I’m already behind so I'm having to play a bit of catch up. Weeks one and two were defining your challenge and planning your projects. Week three, which starts next week I believe, is when the sewing begins. I've already picked my palette, and will be deciding on the pieces I want to make in the next day or two. I originally wanted to mix a couple of jewel tones with some pastels, but after playing around a bit I've decided on a mix of jewel tones with one neutral tone to mellow it all out a bit.

Starting with a delicious purple jewel tone. I've never been much of a purple person but ever since dying my hair red I've been drawn to it.

Throw in some bright pink. This color looks good with almost every skin tone, plus it just feels so warm and springy.

Add some turquoise (which may be the hardest word in the English language to spell...my original attempt was so bad it didn't even pull the correct word up in spell check).

A neutral touch of grey to balance it all out. (This picture really triggers my crazy cat lady tendencies.)

So there you have it. I'll end up with something like this palette...

Now on to the fun part, patterns and fabrics...

All images via, as always

Coffee makes me happy...

2011-01-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have admittedly been feeling sorry for myself lately. Really for a very long time now. And it's not my usual nature...really it's not...it's just that when you go through a period of cleaning out all the muck, healing all the old wounds, and generally all around trying to figure your shit out, it's hard not to focus on those things you're trying to "deal with". Which makes it really very easy to miss the things you are blessed with. This morning as I sliced my banana onto my peanut butter toast I saw out of the corner of my eye the steam rise off my cup of coffee and had one of those simple, rare moments of complete and utter gratitude. For a breakfast that I love that loves my body too. For being able to buy and brew my very favorite cinnamon flavored coffee. For the quiet, solitude, and time to be able to truly enjoy both.

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If only I'd let go of the maybes

2011-01-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how technology has provided all new ways to remind you of the absence of someone from your life after a breakup? The unfriending on Facebook, the disappearing of their name in Yahoo messenger, the deleting of their emails from your inbox. More tangible things to remind you that you’ve come to another end, that you’re once again single. I’m having a bit of a Bridget Jones’s Diary moment this week, and I’m longing for the days when the worst repercussions of a failed romance were that you had to walk down Freshman hall to get to your History class instead of cutting through the Quad.

I’ve been holding on to the Maybes and the If Onlys from my relationship with Mr. Perfect. Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe I could have fallen for him if I’d tried. If Only I’d been completely over Him, maybe I’d have been more open. But the truth is it never would have worked. When I’m completely honest I know that spark, that connection, wasn’t there. When I trust myself I know what I’m really missing is having someone care about me and take care of me. I haven’t had much of that in my life, so it’s hard to let go of someone so willing to fill that role. But it’s not fair to him. And it’s not fair to me. And Maybe if I open myself up to it, Maybe if I make room for that in my life, I’ll find that spark - with someone all too happy to take care of me. If Only I’d quit settling for less, I’d find that I can really have it all.

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Focus

2011-01-21T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling to find any motivation to work, and really wishing I'd just ballsed up and given the one month I'm required to give by contract instead of agreeing to stay for three more months. It didn't seem like too much of a sacrifice at the time. It's the part of the year that's always gone the fastest, because when your life consists of working, eating, and sleeping one day is the same as the next and you sort of go into autopilot. But now that I've resigned, unplugged from the matrix, I can't do it anymore. I'm itching to go outside and enjoy the part of the day the thermostat reaches 60 degrees. I want to feel the sun that's shining through my window. I do not want to review another tax return or assign out another project or call back the client who left a message yesterday. My mind keeps wandering and I can't stay focused on a project for more than five minutes at a time, and my whole plan to leave on the best terms possible, to leave this god awful toxic place with integrity...well it is failing miserably. Because for the last two days I've earned a paycheck for internet shopping for a bridesmaid dress, and researching "what I want to be when I grow up". And writing this post.

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And so it begins...

2011-01-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well I did it. I put in my resignation with no job, no prospects, really no idea what I’m going to do for a living. I agreed to stay through the April 15^th deadline, so unless they tell me to get my shit and get out (which they very well may do) I’ll have some time to figure out my next step. I’m both terrified and excited all at the same time. I have no idea what's next for me, but I'm certain I'll look back on this as the bravest or stupidest thing I've ever done. All I know for certain is that my life is changing forever.

All this change and upheaval has me wallowing in self reflection. What kind of person am I now? Who do I want to be? I’m trying to learn from my mistakes so that I can build the life that I want, instead of simply being drug along by its currents.

Which has me reflecting on my last relationship. On what I learned, what went wrong, what went right, how it changed me. And I’m ashamed to admit that I really screwed up. I didn’t treat him how he should have been treated. I pushed him away, I pointed out his mistakes without acknowledging the many, many things he did right. He was not perfect, he made mistakes. But don’t we all? Yet he was generous, kind, thoughtful, nurturing, and loving. And he deserved better than I gave him. And for that I will always feel deep regret. Part of me wants to call him, beg him to give me a do over. I wasn’t ready for him. Could it have worked out if I was? But I know if I don’t look at that fear, that fear that keeps me holding on to someone who’s never treated me the way I should be treated. That fear that caused me to push away someone who made me feel so good that I was afraid to get used to it. Until I face that fear I’ll never be able to let him in. Or anyone else for that matter.

And so that’s where I’m starting. Ridding my life of all the things that aren’t good for me. Cleaning out all the toxins, all that keeps me scared and unhappy. I feel like I'm tearing my life down to the foundation so that I can rebuild it from scratch into the life I really want. A life of love, of light, of happiness. I am so ready.

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Some unlikely words of wisdom from the pages of Marie Claire

2011-01-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

"The idea that you can get everything you want in one person is destructive...And maybe when you accept that the number is closer to 50 or 60 or 70 percent, that's when you can start to make some progress in choosing the right person."

~Michelle Williams

Another f*ing learning opportunity

2011-01-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

Well I tried to fix it.  Or more accurately, extricate myself from a situation that wasn’t good for anybody.  I wanted to do it with grace and compassion.  Explain that it wasn’t good, that we both deserved better.  But I failed miserably.  I wasn’t graceful, I got frustrated and angry and lost my temper.  And I feel like I failed us in this opportunity to learn and grow.  But the truth is everyone has to grow at their own pace, learn at their own pace.  I can’t get him to see what seems so clear to me, and I should have just let him have his own truth while trying to explain mine.  But by the end part of the reason I’d been so drawn to him, why I’d wanted to make it work, why I thought he was so perfect, in the end it just frustrated me.  He lives life in a fairytale where love conquers all, where bold gestures and flowery speech solves every misunderstanding.  Which is romantic and beautiful in the beginning, but when real life sneaks its way into the fairytale, those poetic valiant words just start to feel like smoke blown up your ass.  I wanted him to tell me his truth, to acknowledge and honor his own anger and frustration, to work with me to build something real.  But he just wanted to mask it with perfume and butterfly kisses, agree that nothing else matters if you love someone, and continue hand in hand down our happy path to bliss.  Meanwhile I was just pushing and pushing to see if there was anything real under all the fluff, and by the end that quest just left me feeling like a bully.  

And now I’m sad and feeling very guilty and lonely.  Trying to remember this was a lesson to be learned. Trying to remember what’s done is done and all I can do is learn from it.  Learn that I want more than the fairytale, that I want something raw and real and honest.  Remember that this relationship did teach me I’m worthy of the good guy.  I think my pendulum just swung from one extreme to the other and now it’s time to take all these hard-learned lessons and pursue a relationship that’s equal and balanced.  One where we trust each other enough to say “you made me angry” and “you hurt me” because we know the conversation will always end with “but I still love you”.  But that’ll come later.  One day soon I’ll be ready to head back out there searching for my partner.  But for now I need time to let the bruises heal.  Time to figure out how I feel about other things and either take the chance or finally let it go for good.  Time to just be happily alone.  That at least I always get right.

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If not now, when

2011-01-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

I’m not a very good talker. I am a very good keep-it-to-yourselfer. Maybe it was growing up isolated, maybe it’s my introverted nature…who knows. But I’m not good at talking about myself. I’m not good at opening up or venting or talking about things that are bothering me. It’s a large part of the reason I started this blog, because it gave me a safe place to get out all the garbage. But I’ve been learning, in this period of growth and self-reflection, that talking about “stuff” and getting someone else’s perspective on it can change my entire perspective on it. And all of the sudden something that was terrifying and creating so much stress, becomes something that is exciting and hopeful and right. Tomorrow I take the leap off this tiny little life raft that I’ve only been surviving on, and I start the process of learning to live my life with intention, I take control of my own happiness, and hopefully start to thrive.

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Unstable

2011-01-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

I’m lost.

I decided to quit my job early last year. It’s been sapping my self-esteem and every ounce of energy I have for too long. I can’t work hard enough, long enough. Everything that happens is my fault. It’s not just me of course, it’s the nature of this place. Everyone here feels that way. And so last year I decided enough. I was done. I had no idea what I was going to do, but frankly I’d rather be the fry girl at McDonalds or a barista at Starbucks than work another day at this place. So I decided that I’d wait until after the end of the year, after I qualified for my profit-sharing and fully vested in my 401k (because I’m still a practical accountant after all) and then I’d quit. New job or no. Plan or no. I was out. And now the time has come, and terror and doubt have set in. I’ve had a job since I was 16. I worked two jobs to put myself through college. I am an unfortunate workaholic. I’m less scared about how I will pay my bills than I am about what will define me from here. If I’m not that workaholic, than what I am? I’m terrified to answer that question is what I am today.

And then there’s Him. After putting my foot down and telling him no more, now he wants me. He can’t promise what the future will hold but he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me all the time, misses me. Now. I’m torn between wanting to believe I was right about us all along, and feeling like it’s a little too little a little too late.

With so much uncertainty and so much doubt, I don’t know where to go from here. I keep telling myself with change comes infinite possibilities. I don’t want to be in the same place a year from now. Unhappy at the same soul-sucking job. In love with the same man who’s never sure. Still filled with doubt, fear, and uncertainty. Whatever happens, wherever I go, it’s got to be better than this, no?

Always be honest. It's the most important thing.

2010-12-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days where the weight of the world is just too heavy to bare? And there seems no safe place to hide from it, not even under your own covers, because the turmoil and sadness, the heaviness, is of your own making? My world is feeling very heavy today. I have not been living with integrity. I have not been putting out into the world what I hope to get back. I have not been fair. And I’m ashamed of it. You cannot make people love you. You cannot control the way people treat you. But you can be loving. You can choose to treat people with compassion and respect. I was afraid, and I let that fear keep me from living with integrity and compassion. And now I’m afraid it may be too late to right my course, fix it, without any collateral damage.

Even still it's all okay

2010-11-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

He says he needs time to think.  Never a good sign.  The thing is I’m sad, but not for the loss of this young, fragile relationship.  I’ve suspected all along that we were not a good fit.  He is perfect on paper.  Smart and successful and affectionate.  But I’m just not getting there.  I want to like him more.  I want to fall for him. I want him to take care of me.  But if I listen to my heart I know something’s not there.  I’m finding it hard to make time for him and when we’re not together – well, I’m not sure I miss him enough.

But still I’m sad.  I know his laugh.  There’s a place on his chest where my head fits perfectly.  It’s hard letting someone go once you’ve let them in.  If I dig deep to the source of the sadness I think it originates from fear.  Fear that this is my one chance to be with someone loving and affectionate.  Fear that there’s something inherently wrong with me.  After a lifetime of men who weren’t good enough for me, who weren’t good too me, how can I not love him?  I know that’s not terribly rational, but when are matters of the heart ever?

And then if I’m honest with myself, there’s still Him.  Sometimes at the strangest moment, for no apparent reason, my yearning for him will wash over me in waves and I’ll feel caught up in it, swallowed whole by it.  It’s like the ocean when I was little, the pain and sadness of it lifts me up and gently but ferociously tosses me around.  Uproots me.  And for some strange reason in those moments of pain and loss I feel more alive than ever.  I tell myself it’s daddy issues or abandonment issues, but in my heart I know I just love him.  It’s really that simple.  I still love him, and suspect I always will.

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Oh Brother where art thou?

2010-11-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been keeping up with my posts lately, largely due to time (or lack thereof) but if I’m completely honest mostly due to lack of motivation. I fear the farther and farther away from me it gets the more likely it will fall into the category of one of those things I used to do. Remember when I kept a blog? That was fun. Kind of like the diary I started in 8^th grade. So I sit down to write something and I start a paragraph that rambles and doesn’t make much sense and feels forced. I reread it and hit delete and move on hoping to come back more inspired the next day. Only I’m not. And now I’m writing a post about having nothing to write about in hopes that it’ll kick start something. Because the truth is I need this. I need this place, this space, to vent and hope and dream and hurt and beg and create and do all the things that this one small outlet lets me do. So here’s hoping for tomorrow...

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Where I've come from

2010-11-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Life feels very beautiful and light and magical right now, but just when I start to forget, start to believe this was the way it always was, something reminds me how far I’ve come. Something I don’t mention much is that I’m actually divorced. I married my college sweetheart at 24 and was divorced at 26. It almost seems like a life someone else lived looking back. I remember it like a story someone else told me, not a life I actually lived myself. Truthfully I knew it was a mistake before I ever walked down the aisle. In my heart it never felt right. But I didn’t really know what right was. I never had any examples of what a happy, healthy relationship looked like. I’m not sure I even believed in love. So when the person I’d been with for 3 years, who I’d grown comfortable with, who I knew, asked me to marry him I thought that was the natural progression. And so I said yes. And when those nagging little doubts would bubble to the surface, I pushed them aside as normal pre-wedding jitters. When my heart softly questioned “this isn’t what love is supposed to look like” I brushed it off with a “how would you know?” When my heart would wonder “is this a relationship that is built to last” I would rebuke with “there is no such thing.” And so I walked down the aisle toward someone who never made me feel loved, who never made me feel beautiful, who never made me feel like I had someone to lean on.

It got worse as the months went by, and the hardships of life tested us, and I become a shell of a person. And it wasn’t until many months later, after I’d sank into a deep depression, that I realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Once I recognized it for what it was for the first time in all the years we’d been together I realized I wasn’t crazy. That it wasn’t normal to walk on eggshells. That it wasn’t normal to feel bad after a supposed compliment. And once the veil was lifted and I started to disengage, that's when the real abuse began. Or maybe it’s just that I was noticing it for what it was? I remember lying in bed reading one night when he came into the bedroom in a rage, railing and lamenting at all I’d done wrong. How I was not good enough. How I was a horrible wife. And I just lay there, as if watching a movie. Watching a madman spew forth venom, seemingly disengaged from reality. After what seemed like hours of his verbal abuse, I picked up my pillow and walked upstairs to the guest bedroom, and locked the door and slept. But still I felt stuck. I was married. He owned me. So the days went on. Some days he was happy and charming and the boy I’d fallen for in college. Some days he was angry and manipulative and cruel. But one day it all came crashing down and I knew if I didn’t get out my heart and soul would be completely destroyed.

One weekend my friends came to visit for a music festival. I’d bought everybody’s tickets with my own money, knowing they’d pay me back eventually. And the weekend was a blast, and we all lounged around, listening to music, seemingly no worries in the world. Until that switch clicked, and the Jekyll came forth. He wanted to know why I hadn’t gotten the money for the tickets before the concert. He was furious that my friends were taking advantage of me. He become furious about all these perceived slights that were not even there. And then he yelled at my best friend, and that was when I disengaged completely. Realized he was not sane. Realized that it was not something I was doing, that his fury could be directed at any undeserving person. So we left and I packed a bag and made plans to leave. He came home, still furious. He railed and screamed and spewed hate, and at one point he got in my face and when he realized he wasn’t hurting me like he’d done in the past his fury escalated. And he drew back his hand, which held a bottle, and the split second before that bottle hit my face he realized what he was doing and pulled back. That’s when I knew I was in more danger than I’d ever realized. That’s when I knew I had to get out, that one day the bottle would fly forward before he realized what he was doing. That one day the damage he was causing would be visible. And that’s when I was able to walk away from my marriage. Because I may not have known what love and marriage was supposed to look like, but I knew it wasn’t supposed to be the emotional torture I was living. So I moved out and I started therapy. And I started to study what love and relationships were supposed to look like. And I started to believe in love. I still wasn’t ready to believe I was deserving of it, but I knew it was out there. Now here I am, 7 years later, and my life is filled with love.

Last week I received an email from my ex-husband. When we divorced he left me not only emotionally in shreds, but financially in debt. In order to sell our house I’d had to clear out my retirement account and max out my credit cards, but I didn’t care because I was free. He would mail me checks on occasion to help pay off the debt. Over a couple of years he paid me a couple thousand dollars towards the tens of thousands of dollars of debt. And I worked and sacrificed and paid off every last penny, so when the checks stopped I didn’t care. I was done with it all and ready to move on. Until last week when he sent me a message on Facebook and told me he’d like to start sending me money again. It was something he wanted to do. And although I know I’m not that person anymore, I can’t help feel some of that paralysis. That fear that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. That I owe him something, if only a message saying I don’t want his money. But I don’t want to go back there. Not for any amount of money. There is nothing he could give me or do or say that would repay me for what he took from me. And so I hit delete.

It gets better

2010-10-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

I don't believe you can stand for freedom for one group of people and deny it to others.

~Coretta Scott King

I love your strength, I love your bravery, I love your differences, I love you just the way you are. I hope one day you don't have to be courageous just to be yourself.

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http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Fill in the Blank Fridays

2010-10-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

1. I am learning and growing and changing at warp speed these days. After years of living in fear and being safe I’m finally embracing life and love and all the scary shit out there with open arms.

2. I wish there were more hours in the day. I constantly have a million things I have to do and a million things I want to do, so I would love more time to do it all and also get some sleep in there somewhere too.

3. I like red wine and breakfast tacos, and I’d be ten pounds lighter if I could say no to either one .

4. I can run 26.2 miles at once, and that still amazes me after finishing 7 marathons. I love running somewhere I usually drive to and being in awe that my own two feet got me there.

5. I hope one day the moments I feel completely comfortable in my own skin outweigh the times I don’t.

6. I think if everyone quit being so judgmental and self-righteous and just accepted people for who they are, even if they didn’t completely understand it, the world would be so much more beautiful.

7. I was late to work this morning for the fourth day in a row. I wish my work schedule was always this lax and not just the week after a major deadline .

I'm still here

2010-10-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

Aside from being too busy to breath, I’ve been feeling very private lately. Very wanting to keep all my thoughts and experiences, joys and fears to myself. Wanting to take each day and tuck it under my pillow at night, to keep it safe to revisit on rainy days. I’m living in a perpetual state of exhaustion, but still floating along happy and content.

We’re still seeing each other, and he is still imperfectly perfect. He sends me flowers, spoils me, tells me to get used to it. When my days get so hard that I start to withdraw inside myself, he plans pity parties to make the hard times a celebration rather than something to be endured alone. He feels like a choice, a choice I’d happily make every day, rather than some indefinable obsession I feel powerless to walk away from. He’s champagne on hilltops overlooking the city lights, he’s mouthfuls of sushi and saki on a Tuesday, he’s a moonlit swim in the lake, and dessert after every meal. He’s laughter and hour long conversations, he’s hopes and fears and vulnerability. We make mistakes and we learn from them and we accept where the other one is coming from, even if we don’t completely understand it. I still tread slowly, but I’m liking being curled safely in the crook of his arm more and more every day.

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Dream lessons

2010-09-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night and at first I thought I knew exactly what it was about. I was driving a stick shift in a big parking lot and for some reason it kept stalling. I drove a stick all through college, so I remember not being able to figure out why I couldn't drive it. But I never felt any frustration. I never got upset or embarrassed or anything. I just felt this sense of "I know what to do, I wonder what the deal is?" as if forces outside myself were keeping me from being able to drive the car. I patiently just kept trying and stalling, trying and stalling. And there was someone in the passenger seat, but I don't remember who. They didn't say much, they didn't get frustrated. There was a sense of patience to them. At first I thought the dream was a manifestation of how I've been feeling in my life - I know what I want, I know where I want to go, but I keep stalling on getting there. But I'm starting to think it might have had more to do with this faceless passenger. This person who let me make mistakes and go at my own pace, without the need to tell me what to do. Without getting frustrated or impatient. I'm not yet sure who the passenger is, but unfortunately I'm certain who it's not.

Where to go from here

2010-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted any dating horror stories in a long time, mostly because I’ve been too busy but a large part due to the fact that I was tired of complaining about the. same. thing. I realized that while writing about it was helping me to sort through it, it was also keeping me stuck there in that uncertainty and unhappiness. When I finally let go and concentrated on only the things I have control over, like how I let people treat me, how much of myself to give to people, how I treat people…well, I’m just in a happier place.

But I also know that I can’t just float through life without making decisions. The status quo will not work forever. He and I are still in that place where we’re not quite friends, but we’re not quite anything else. I’ve shored up my boundaries, I’ve quit giving everything of myself, and I’ve accepted the fact that in this relationship I will always be the gardener and he will always be the flower. Our relationship does provide me things that I cherish, but I know he’ll never be the type to take care of me. And although I don’t need to be taken care of, I’m learning that I actually like to be taken care of.

Which brings me to Mr. Perfect. He and I talked about The Lie and about how I’d put him on a pedestal and made it hard for him to be anything other than perfect. After telling him how perfect he was I really gave him no room to make mistakes. I understood that. So we decided to start over, take it slow, get to know each other, let down our guards and be honest and imperfect and truthful even when it’s uncomfortable. We decided to give each other room to make mistakes, as long as we’re willing to speak up and admit it and learn from it. And he’s been perfectly imperfect. He’s the nurturing one, but I try to remember not to take advantage of it. I try to remember to reciprocate. And I’m starting to feel like I could get used to being here. I could get used to being nurtured and taken care of. I could get used to flowers on bad days, my own personal cheerleader, someone anticipating my needs. I could get used to being looked at like that. You know, that look. That look that makes you feel beautiful even with circles under sleepy eyes.

So no, the status quo isn’t going to work forever. Eventually I’ll have to decide whether I want to continue holding on to a possibility, or embrace the wonderful thing that is already right in front of me.

We're all in this together

2010-09-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

I just discovered the "Stats" tab on my blog page (cause I'm super high-tech and fast like that) and it strangely made me feel very exposed and vulnerable. I mean, it's an open blog, some part of me wants to share these crazy thoughts I have. But to see proof that someone is actually reading my words, seeing a little into the madness of my thoughts and feelings...well it's a strange feeling. I think when I hit the "Publish Post" button that my words are just floating out into cyberspace, never to be seen by another soul. But I do feel something akin to satisfaction when something I write resonates with someone. Satisfaction? More a feeling of kinship, or...I'm not exactly sure how to describe. But you know, right? You know. When you read a certain blog post and you think "yes! I know what you're saying, I've been there too." and there's this sense of "ok, maybe I'm not as crazy/confused/lost/(insert a thousand different emotions here) as I thought I was." There's a sense that we're all in this together, all fumbling through this crazy human experience the best we know how, all making mistakes, having victories, falling in love, having our heart broken, suffering loss, celebrating great joy, learning. For some reason there's great comfort in that.

Fill in the Blank Fridays

2010-09-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

1. The strangest thing I've ever eaten is hmmm...I'm not a very adventurous eater since I'm a vegetarian. Tofurkey? :)

2. I wouldn't be caught dead in a tubetop. Or halter top. Or really anything that I can't wear my industrial strength bra with.

3. When I am 75 I will I hope be telling stories to my grandchildren of all my shenanigans.

4. If I had to be named after a place I would want to be (this is a weird question) :) probably Austin cause i like when girls have guys names. and I LOVE Austin.

5. My (middle) name is "Lorraine" after my grandmother

6. My all time favorite photo is a photo of me hungover laying on top of my dog before going to work. His face looks so understanding and almost like he feels sorry for me. Too funny.

7. If I could afford it I would have a million animals and the resources and space to take care of them. Basically my very own zoo.

7 Question Thursday

2010-09-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

Loving Nicole right now for giving me something to distract myself from work.

1. What's something you miss? I miss breakfast at my grandma's house. She was a wiz at making pancakes in the shape of whatever you requested. My teddybears and hearts were easy, but you should have seen the dinosaurs she'd make for the boys. Actually now that I think about it I just miss my grandma.

2. If you could make your lips bigger, would you? No. I'm not opposed to plastic surgery, to each his own, but I would never alter my face. It's my face man!
3. Does someone tuck you into bed, or text you goodnight every night? nope. I'm a single lady living alone. My kitty cat curls up next to my stomache and my dog lays down next to my pillow, so I think they're tucking me in and saying goodnight in their own way.

4. Do you have a favorite sibling? I have three brothers and although I've been closer to different ones at different times in my life I honestly don't have a favorite. They're all my favorite people.

5. What does the last message on your phone say? "I'm outta control with the smiley faces today! :) :) :)" Ha!

6. What's the compliment that you receive the most? mmm...probably that I dress cute

7. Are your looks important to you? How long does it take you to get ready? I'd be lying if I said no - everybody likes to look nice. But I think I look just as good in a a baggy v-neck tee, flip-flops and pigtails as I do in a dress and heels with make-up and hair did. Which means it takes me anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours to get ready. :)

Dreaming

2010-09-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm needing to take a break from my Daily Inspiration posts this week. With a work deadline looming, business details to take care of, and a promising new job prospect, I'm finding it hard to even find time to fix my hair in the mornings much less think of something inspiring to post. I mean, I could just do a Google search for "inspiration" and I'm sure pull something up, but it wouldn't really mean anything to me. And why waste anyone's time with something that doesn't even inspire me! But the truth is, I'm not really needing inspiration right now. I'm literally being inspired every day by the universe and what it's throwing at me. It really feels that after several - to be completely honest - years, I'm finally hitting my stride. I'm on the road to a life that I've dreamed of, one I'm proud of. Opportunity knocked on my door yesterday and presented a job that I can only describe as my "dream job". I always thought people were full of shit when they said that. Dream job. It's a job, you do it to make a living, where are the possibilities for dreams in that? But all of the sudden I feel like I've been let in on the secret. And frankly it's a long shot, it very well may not happen. I'm living on hope, while keeping check with reality. But now that I know that dream job is out there, even if this one isn't meant for me, I finally know it is possible. And so even if this doesn't happen, I can always keep on dreamin...

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My daily inspirations will return shortly but may be sporadic for awhile. If you're feeling in need of inspiration or if you've found something particularly inspiring, feel free to email me and I'm more than happy to oblige.

Daily Inspiration

2010-09-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

~Mark Twain

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Daily Inspiration

2010-09-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

~Agatha Christie

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Let it

2010-09-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

"I have a lump. It's really starting to hurt."

"You have a what? Where? Have you gone to the doctor?"

"No. I was hoping to just wait so that by the time I went he'd just tell me I only have two months to live."

I don't know what to say to that. My initial reaction is one of disbelief. Frustration. Why did you work so hard to get to where you are only to look at death as some kind of relief? I can't listen to you talk about how you're ready to die anymore. I'm frustrated that you keep telling me you're tired of being alone, and so you'd rather just be done with it. I'm so frustrated with your depression. Get over your shitty family. Get over your past. Get on some damn medication.

"I don't know what to say. Are you serious or being flippant? I'm worried about you. I just want you to be happy."

I'm no longer frustrated anymore. I'm scared. I want to save you, make you happy. Keep you from feeling alone. I want you to go to the doctor. Go for me. There is so much more to life if you would just move on from your past.

I think that's why you chose me. You know I'm the type to get invested. You sensed my need to nurture, take care. A smarter, saner person would have run the other way the second they sensed the darkness inside you. Not me. Not me. I stay, willing to take the darkness inside myself, trade it for my light.

The thing is, I know you're worth it. I love you not like the wife loves the husband, but like the sun loves the earth - ready and willing to drown it in light and warmth and erase away the darkness of the long night. I see you not only for who you are but who you could be. I just wish you saw that in yourself. Life is beautiful if you let it be.

Daily Inspiration

2010-09-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Isn't this a lovely way of reminding ourselves it's okay to make mistakes? None of us know the answers or the outcomes, but it's in the living and trying and experimenting that we grow and learn and change and live.

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Fill in the Blank Fridays

2010-09-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

1. If I didn't have to work anymore I would sew all my own clothes, walk my dog A LOT more than I do now, volunteer, train hard enough to qualify for the Boston Marathon, and spend more time with my friends and family.

2. My favorite thing about a vacation is being able to do whatever I want without feeling guilty.

3. When packing for a trip I make a very detailed list of what I need, but once that’s all in I always end up throwing in a ton of crap I don’t really need but am convinced I have to have.

4. If I could go on a road trip with anyone (dead OR alive) I would choose my best friend from college Kate , because, I miss her and need to catch up and we would go probably drive to Sedona or somewhere and stay in a spa because we both work too hard and need some relaxation.

5. My top 3 absolute travel essentials are cheesy magazines, my camera, and my pashmina cause I’m freakishly cold natured.

6. Vacations are absolutely necessary to maintain any semblance of mental health.

7. On vacation you must always leave work and any other stress factors behind.

Now I really, really want to go on vacation!!!

Daily Inspiration

2010-09-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.

~Jim Valvano

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Who are you

2010-09-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be. I’ve spent so much of my life working towards some career, some goal, some achievement - that I began to define myself by those things. Who am I? I’m a CPA. I’m a business owner. I’m a marathon runner. I’m a want-to-be seamstress. I’m a yogi. I’ve become to see myself as all these tangible things. I may go so far as to even define myself as a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. But rarely when I’m asked or when I think about it myself do I answer the real questions of who I am at my core. Am I nice? Am I truly empathetic? Am I generous? Kind? Honest? Of course the initial answer is “of course I am!” But am I really? Last Saturday when I left work to grab a quick lunch I was in a hurry, as I always am, and I was envious of all the people enjoying their weekends, and I was - to be completely honest - feeling a bit sorry for myself, when I walked by a coffee shop and a woman got up from her table and stood right in front of me and blocked my path. And my initial reaction was one of anger. What the hell?! Watch where you’re going! I thought as I squeezed past her with my head down and a scowl on my face. And she immediately apologized when she realized she was in my way. And I was immediately embarrassed by my own reaction. She didn’t see me. She wasn’t trying to be rude, she was just mindlessly enjoying a chat over coffee with a friend and stood up to go get something. But she interrupted my day, my plan, my lunch break, and my time is more valuable than hers, no? Because I’m working, while she’s merely enjoying her day. And I realized, maybe I’m not as good of a person as I think I am. Maybe instead I’m self-centered, oblivious, judgmental, and bitchy. I don’t want to be, it’s not my intention, but in the heat of the moment instead of reacting with understanding and patience I was, quite frankly, a bitch. Which leads me to think that maybe all this work trying to have healthy relationships and trying to find a career that makes me happy isn’t what I need to be working on. Maybe where my true work lies is in living my life based on my true core values of kindness, generosity, understanding, and patience. Maybe once I truly live my life being the person I really want to be, all the other stuff will just fall into place.

Daily Inspiration

2010-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

~Groucho Marx

I've been having a hard time this week finding daily inspirations. And not because I'm sad or having trouble thinking positively. But actually quite the opposite. I'm happy. Really soul-quenchingly happy. For absolutely no reason at all.

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-31T15:46:00.000-07:00

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~Lao Tzu

Were truer words ever spoken?

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
~Winnie the Pooh
I think the world would be a better place if we all lived like Pooh and Piglet.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

~Arthur Miller

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Fill in the Blank Fridays

2010-08-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

1. The most adventurous thing I've ever done is starting my own business. In a bad economy. Some may say that’s stupid, but I like to think it’s adventurous. :)

2. If I were a pair of shoes I would be my silver star Converse. Classic and lowkey with just the slightest bit of quirk.

3. My preferred mode of digital communication is I’m old, I hate digital communication. Hate talking on the phone, hate texting, hate IMing. I’ll take face to face conversing over any of them. But if I have to pick something I’d say email because at least then I have the time and room to say exactly what I’m trying to say.

4. I feel happiest when I’m having deep conversations with friends or family over glasses of wine. Or margaritas. Or even sometimes beer. Those seem to be the only times I can really just stop and be in the moment without worrying about what comes next.

5. A little dream I have for my life is a front porch swing and a couple of fat freckle-faced kids clinging to my skirt. After 10 years pursuing a career I’m all the sudden dreaming of a life as a 1950s housewife. Go figure.

6. The one modern convenience I could NOT do without is hmmm...after moving into a house without a dishwasher or garbage disposal I’m learning how easy it is to give up most modern conveniences. I guess I’d say my laptop because it’s got all my business info on there.

7. Music, movies, TV or books: if I could only choose one to enjoy I would pick books all day long. I could easily give the rest up, but I’d probably go bonkers if I couldn't get lost in a book on a regular basis.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along.
~Rumi

Lovely.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

~Carl Jung

Something to remember - you have an affect on every single person you meet. Do you want it to be positive or negative?

Furniture refinishing projects

2010-08-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

Back in June when I moved into my house and gave all my bedroom furniture away I was inspired to replace it with refinished "upcycled" furniture. (Isn't upcycled such a more charming word than "used"? I don't know who came up with it, but bless them.) My inspiration was this piece from Oh Clementine. I wanted a similar simple chest of drawers that I intended to paint periwinkle to provide a splash of whimsy to an otherwise grey, mellow bedroom. But when I stumbled upon a dresser with loops and curls I couldn't pass it up. It wasn't the simple shape I was looking for, but I thought once painted it would up the whimsy level of my room even more.

This is what I started with. (forgive my picture taking from here on out...)

It was painted a very pale yellow/cream color with old tacky drawer pulls. After sanding and filling in the tacky side etching I painted it bright periwinkle and added simple satin pulls. I wanted pulls that were even more simple, but the curve of the drawers limited my choices. I still love how it turned out.

I also spotted a similarly shaped small bedside table that I purchased.

It was originally white with pink in the etching, and I sanded it down and filled in the etching. My intention was to paint it a dark charcoal grey so that it blended in with the rest of the room, but the grey I chose had undertones of blue so I'm not loving the color. If I ever finish my room I'll likely repaint it. But still, a vast improvement and not too shabby a job for my first furniture refinishing.

yes my room is always this messy

I found the sanding and prepping of the furniture so very therapeutic, so I'm on the look out for more pieces.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

~Erica Jong

I just needed this today.

One of those days

2010-08-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

I’m having one of those days where it’s hard to pinpoint all the roiling emotions flitting around inside my head and heart. Yearning and desire and fear and hope and love and optimism and gratitude. They’re all swirling around inside fighting to overtake the rest. Yearning for that simple life of my dreams with a partner and family and someone to finally lean on. Desire for all the excitement and bliss that life has to offer. Fear of being hurt again, of letting people in, of making more mistakes. Love for the people who’ve come into my life and fit right where I needed them to be. Optimism that one day I’ll find the person I deserve, and will be able to be the person they deserve in return. And gratitude for all the blessings I’ve already been given in this life. They’re all competing to overtake the others and I’m unsure yet who will win out in the end. Unfortunately at the moment, fear seems to be taking over the lead.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
~Samuel Ullman

I've been having some pangs of fear lately as I realize how much of my life is gone and how much I still have left that I want to do. But yesterday my company sponsored a triathlon here in Austin and I was reminded of how much life I still have to live if I would just get on with living it. I saw a beautiful woman who I assumed to be 40-something and I thought to myself "I hope my body looks half that good when I'm her age in ten or so years" only to be blown away when she walked past and I saw her age written on the back of her leg (they do this to all athletes in a triathlon). The number was 68. No it was not her race number. I double checked.

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Just Friends

2010-08-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been the person who argues that men and women can be friends. Even men and women who have a history. I think I needed to believe that, because once I care about someone, I’m in. It may not work out, we may go our separate ways, but I’ll always care about you and be here for you. Unless you purposely hurt me or treat me badly, I’ll always be on your side.

However, I’m starting to rethink my position. NSS Guy and I tried for months to work things out, and it never seemed to stick. I was willing to do whatever it took, go all in. Clinging blindly to the belief that it could work out. That it could be amazing. But he didn’t believe we had what it took to make it last, and at his age he wasn’t willing to just give it a go when he had so much doubt. Which I had to respect, even if it hurt. I finally accepted that I would never be what he needed, that he would never give me what I needed, and that I deserved to be with someone who accepted me for who I am. And I moved on. But I still cared for him and thought we could be friends. Knowing I still loved him. Knowing I still wanted to be with him. But you know, it was working. We met for dinner. It was easy to be together, easier than before without all the pressure to make a relationship work. He was there for me when I needed him, as he always has been. With his strength that still soothed me. And it felt good and I felt good knowing that even if we couldn’t be everything to each other, we could be something really special.

But that’s not the way things have stayed. Of course not. He is my Mr. Big. And a hug turned into a caress of my face, turned into a kiss, turned into…well things friends shouldn’t be doing. And here I am right back to where we always seem to go. And I know I shouldn't go there. I know where it'll lead. Heartache. Disappointment. I know these things, and yet I’m still here. Because I also know how good it feels to sit with my head on his shoulder. How good his skin feels under my palm. How good it feels when he hugs me tight.

I know, I’m an idiot. It's just...it's just he feels like the best kind of mistake.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

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I'm in love with this sentiment.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

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My favorite saying of all time and a philosophy I try to live by. (Try!) This will be my next tattoo. I wonder if that would be some weird copyright infringement?

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

To be alive

To be alive: not just the carcass
But the spark.
That's crudely put, but…
If we're not supposed to dance,
Why all this music?

~Gregory Orr

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It seems to me when it's the hardest to find inspiration, that is exactly when I need it the most.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

I saw this story waiting for my lunch today at my regular sammich shop. I've been craving a simpler life for the last few months (years?) and so this struck a bit of a chord. Which I think I needed considering I was waiting for my lunch that I intended to bring back and eat at my desk.

The businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."

The businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, señor?" The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions, señor? Then what?" The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"

-Author Unknown

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

~Maya Angelou

In keeping with my we-women-kick-serious-arse-theme

Fill in the blank friday

2010-08-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Fill in the blank Fridays courtesy of Lauren are becoming one of my favorite ways to slack off at work.

1. Birthdays are: coming entirely too fast for me now that I'm in my 30s (eek)

2. My favorite birthday memory was I've never been huge into celebrating my birthday because I hate being the center of attention, so I'd have to say my 21st birthday when my mom paid for me and my best friend to have dinner at the fanciest restaurant in our tiny little town. We sampled bottles and bottles of wine, I fell in love with salmon, and we ended the dinner smoking cigars and drinking brandy. Of course then I ended my night on the floor of my bathroom, but it was still totally worth it.

3. A birthday tradition I (or my family) has my family's never been big into tradition, so I honestly can't think of a single one. I hope when I have a family of my own I can start some though.

4. If I had to choose one birthday meal to eat for the rest of my birthdays hence forward, I would choose Gumbos in Austin. I'd get the fish special blackened and topped with crawfish etouffe, and bread pudding for dessert. And I'd drink my weight in good wine.

5. My birthday is on March 15th - the Ides of March!

6. If I could take a birthday trip I would go to hmmm...in March I'd probably go to Costa Rica and lay on the beach eating fresh fish and drinking pina coladas. And feeding the monkeys.

7. The best gift I've ever received for my birthday was last year my mom paid for the two of us to go to Kanabe, UT and volunteer at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. I got to spend 3 glorious days elbow deep in kitties, puppies, and pot-bellied pigs, which may just be my idea of heaven.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
~Oscar Wilde

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

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Today I choose happiness. And a sense of humor.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
~Jack Kerouac

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A full plate

2010-08-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really emotionally zapped lately. I think it's a combinatoin of being burned out at my job, having entirely too much on my to-do list, and feeling like I've lost my direction. But for some reason a switch was flipped this weekend and it was the strangest thing that did it. Like everybody else, I'm extremely hard on myself. I have a long list of things that I need, want, have to do, and if I don't get them done in the timeframe that I plan I feel like a total failure. And when I do sit down at the end of a very long day to rest in front of the TV, I beat myself up for being a couch potato. But this girl is tired! Last Friday on the way home after work I thought about all the things I wanted to accomplish that weekend and immediately I felt like a giant weight was pressing me down. And I thought I'd spend another Friday home catching up on the chores I don't have the time or energy for during the week. And I thought about how old I'd gotten that this was my new Friday night ritual. But then I heard a gentle voice say "you have a demanding full time job, you're trying to run your own business, you're training for a marathon, you're learning to sew, and you're trying to keep up commitments to your equally demanding family. of course you're tired." And just like that the weight was lifted. Not only was it lifted, but I felt an entire new gust of energy. It's as if not acknowledging all the work I was doing was what was really dragging me down, not the actual work itself. I did go home and clean my house, do my laundry, have the "you fucked up royaly" talk with Mr. Not So Wonderful, planned all the things I wanted to accomplish that weekend. I fell into bed exhausted, but that good exhausted where you feel you've accomplished something. It's like I've remembered my goals, I've remembered what I'm working so hard for. And for the first time in I don't know how long, I'm appreciating all the things I get to do rather than looking at them as things I have to do.

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

possibly my favorite quote of all time

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

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Little White Lies

2010-08-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

I think the reason I'm so uncomfortable with "perfect" people is because I know there's no such thing. It's not that the faults aren't there, its just that they're below the surface. That's why I've always been drawn to people with rough edges. People who are flawed, who've made mistakes, but who let it all hang out there for anyone to see. This is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm inspired by that. I aspire to it. Which is why when someone comes along who seems so perfect, with no flaws, I'm immediately not at ease. I push and polk and try to get the imperfections to the surface. Because I know they're there. We're all imperfect. We've all made mistakes, we have our hangups, our blemishes, our "issues". It's what makes us interesting, when our lives and bodies have been lived in.

And typically knowing people are imperfect and accepting it keeps me from being disappointed when people do make mistakes. I'm forgiving, empathetic, understanding to a fault. But then someone comes along who seems perfect, and I poke and prod and can find nothing, and my guard starts to slip. I start to think that maybe this person is perfect. Perfect for me. Maybe I've finally found what I've been looking for. And then when they slip and finally let their imperfections show, I'm rocked, caught off guard, and unsure what to do.

Mr. Wonderful's perfect image has been tarnished. And not just by a little mistake. A lie. And it rocked me because I'd thought he was better than that. Truthfully, I can understand why he did it. We all want people to see the best in us. I've been guilty of little white lies to keep from hurting someone's feelings, or to keep from looking as bad as I feel at the time. Of course I like your new haircut. Oh I think it's food poisoning, it couldn't possibly be the bottle of wine I drank by myself last night. I personally think these things are harmless. I understand some people believe in honesty at all costs, but I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not above the little white lie. But hey, at least I'm honest about lying. Mr. Wonderful called me Tuesday night to chat. Told me he'd taken the day off to rest, for a mental health day. I asked him if it'd been planned or if he'd just decided that day and called in sick, and he said it had been planned. His company had been asking him to use some of his vacation time and so he'd thought that day seemed like a good idea. Immediately I felt a twinge, the ripple in my spine when a story doesn't seem quite right. When I trust my intuition I can smell a lie from a mile away. Who takes a Tuesday off? Everybody knows long weekends are the way to go. But I shook it off. I didn't trust myself. And then last night at dinner, ironically after the exact discussion of whether or not white lies were okay - in which he argued the side of honesty is always the best policy and if you have to lie to your friends about something, what kind of relationship is that anyway? - he commences to telling me how he'd gotten drunk on grape vodka with his neighbor Monday night. And then, almost as an afterthought, he says "that's really probably the main reason I had to call in sick to work Tuesday." Busted. And it rocked me so off balance that I couldn't even say "hey, what the fuck?" As a matter of fact, I did what I always do when someone hurts me or lets me down. I shut down. Pulled away. He noticed. His behavior changed too. And we finished the dinner thousands of miles apart, physically and emotionally. And I know it's an isolated event. He's just one person who made a mistake. I don't know whether it's a pattern for him, or just one instance when he wanted a new person in his life to only see him at his best. It doesn't really matter. I've gone down that road before with the boyfriend who drank too much and lied about it, and it's not a path I want to travel twice. So I know it doesn't mean anything other than I tried to have a relationship with someone and it didn't work out. But I can't help but feel, just a little, that I'm so tired of being disappointed by people.

Fill in the blank friday

2010-08-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

Participating in lovely Lauren's fill in the blank Fridays today, cause it's Friday, I'm bored at work, and food is my #1 favorite thing in the whole universe.

1. Today for breakfast I ate my usual peanut butter toast with sliced banana on top. I eat this about 4 days a week, every week. It's ridiculously unoriginal, but I'm only slightly ashamed to admit I eat more peanut butter than most 12 year olds.

2. My go to/never fail recipe hmm, I don't really have one. I tend to make something new every time I cook for someone, even if I fail miserably. If I had to pick something I suppose I'd have to say spaghetti or homemade pizza. Revolutionary, I know.

3. Something I eat that other people think is weird is I'm vegeterian so I don't really eat stuff that's all that weird. Brocolli...ooooohhh...black beans...get out. Actually being vegeterian in a family that has bacon with every meal (literally), my whole diet is considered weird. I heart tofurkey.

4. My worst cooking disaster ever was cooking donuts with my brothers when we were little and we caught the kitchen on fire. You should have a drivers license before you're allowed around boiling cooking oil.
5. If I could only eat one flavor of ice cream the rest of my life it would be Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio. It's the only flavor I can eat a whole container of at one sitting. D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S.

6. One food I hate and avoid at all costs is pork. I became a vegeterian more for health reasons than ethical reasons, but after volunteering at an animal sanctuary last year with the potbellied pigs I could never, ever eat any kind of pork. My mouth will still water over a philly cheesesteak but I'll starve before I eat a porkchop.

7. What is your favorite meal? Breakfast, lunch, or dinner? This is a hard one, I love them all equally. :) I guess I'd go with breakfast because it's my favorite meal to eat out. I don't know why but sitting around the table with people I love drinking coffee and nibbling on toast if my happy place.

Daily Inspiration

2010-08-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

She went out on a limb, had it break off behind her, and discovered she could fly.

quote via
picture via

What inspires you?

2010-08-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

When I started my business last year it was actually just a stepping stone to what my actual dream would be. I've always loved quotes, meditations, inspirations. In my own life I feel the need to remind myself constantly of positive, uplifting, loving thoughts in order to keep the negativity and daily stress at bay. And so from there was born an idea for a company, which I would tell you about but I still have hopes to fulfill that dream one day. And I don't want nobody to steal my idea! However, in that vain I thought it would be a nice reminder to post things every day which I find inspiring, whether a quote or a poem or even another blog post. Because I so often use this blog to get out the negativity and hurt I'm feeling at the time, I thought some positive posts might be a nice contrast. Just so nobody thinks I'm a total Negative Nelly.

Have something that you find inspiring? Please, please, please email me or post it in my comments. I'm always looking for inspiration everywhere...

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2010-08-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

I could not have known what love is if I had never felt this type of longing. Anything done to excess becomes boring except this overflow that moves toward you.
~Rumi

Decisions, decisions

2010-08-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

What is it about our hair that so easily scratches the itch when we are feeling in the need for Change? We chop it off after a breakup. We cut it, curl it, tease it, fry it, torture it into submission. It defines generations and reminds us how far we've come when looking back at old photographs. It defines us. Dumb blonds, vivacious redheads, mousy brown haired girls, so many stereo-types. (All aimed at women of course. Nobody would ever accuse Daniel Craig of being a dumb blonde. But I digress...) I've had a blonde bob for probably 3/4 of my life. It's my go-to hairdo. Naturally my hair is fine and frizzy - not quite straight, not quite curly - and there is A LOT of it. So if left to it's own devices it tends to go sort of crazy whitegirl afro. Last time I let it air dry I met some friends for brunch afterward and my brother's first words to me were "what do you have going on there?" As in "why in the hell did you do that to your hair?" So a bob is easy. I can quickly blowdry it straight, tame it with a flat iron, and be out the door looking relatively put together. But I've also recently had to admit to myself that my bob is also boring. Bo-ring. Several years ago I let a hairstylist talk me into a pixie-ish cut because he said my hair wasn't meant for a bob. And so he chopped and chopped and chopped and when I left I had a cute little pixie...that was meant for someone without my round chubby cheeked face. And as it grew out it started to resemble Duran Duran, then the leadsinger of the Goo Goo Dolls, and finally, finally my classic bob. And here I am, looking exactly like I did in college with my signature blonde bob (and possibly a few more wrinkles). And I'm bored. I need a change. I need to shake things up, be bold, stand out. And so I've decided I'm going red. Cause I want to be vivacious again. I want to contribute to the stereotype, sway my hips when I walk, ooze sexuality, and make questionable decisions. I've been growing my hair out the last six months to get ready, my dilemma is when to go there. My dream 'do is Christina Hendricks's. A sexy, soft, and tousled redhead. Unfortunately my bob's only grown to shoulder length, so I fear if I go red now I'll end up looking more Miranda then Joan. I have to make some kind of decision because my appointment is Saturday, so I either lighten my dark blonde roots back to a lighter sunkissed blonde until my hair's longer, or I bite the bullet and go for a vivacious redhead. The thing is, I'm feeling in need of a change NOW. What to do, what to do?

Movin on

2010-08-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

I think I'm done. Done with the dark, done with the hurting, done with choosing pain over hope and happiness. Because we do choose these things. Not always. Sometimes the world is a shit show that throws heartache on top of you and you have no choice but to hold on with both hands, deal with it, learn to live with it. But sometimes we keep holding on when the smart thing would be to sit it down and walk away. I have no regrets, but it's time to let go.

I want to
hug my friends again,
be happy for other people's fortunes,
cry huge alligator tears from uncontrollabe laughter,
continue to open,
continue to create,
give thanks,
be happiness itself.

But tonight I'll just start with pizza, and a scary movie with the General.

Oh there you are...

2010-07-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

Happiness crept back in today. And it had been absent so long I grabbed it, clutched it tight, and made it promise not to leave again for a very, very long time.

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Sometimes it just takes a little distraction

2010-07-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

My new sewing hobby has provided me much needed distraction while healing my broken heart, and I've discovered my new favorite website. Fabric.com sells pretty much everything you could need for sewing apparel, home goods, and quilting. They had a huge sale on fabric last week, beautiful cotton prints as low as $2.49 per yard, and my order just came in yesterday. I was a little nervous because it's hard to get a sense of exactly what the fabric will look like, and no way to tell how it'll feel. Luckily they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee so I knew if I didn't like it I could return it. But when I opened the box and pulled out all the fabric it was even more beautiful than what I'd hoped for. Vibrant colors, perfect lightweight cotton. I couldn't be more pleased. If you're a seamstress or have any aspirations to become one you must check it out. Not only do they have a 100% guarantee return policy, but shipping is free for orders over $35, AND they have a different sale every day. Perfection.

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I sometimes wish things would just completely fall apart because I always feel like I'm on the brink and this balancing act is getting tiresome

2010-07-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well the inevitable finally happened. I finally found the strength to tell him I couldn't keep being his Maybe Some Day. I finally told him that I'd never be able to move on if we kept living in between two worlds, one where we were just friends, and the other where we were...whatever it is we were. I told him this wasn't the relationship I wanted, and that I'd never find that if I kept holding out hope. I broke down and sobbed and fell completely apart. I think I scared the hell out of him. On the surface I'm the most calm, collected person you'll ever meet. But I'm so filled to the brim with emotions that when I'm shaken up like a soda bottle it bursts out and gets all over anyone it's aimed at. And so I cried and rambled and probably made no sense, and he kept just apologizing - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry - and asking if I was okay. As if my falling apart didn't clue him in that no, I wasn't exactly ok. I haven't been okay for so long. This unrequited love bullshit is for the birds. And so I fell apart and then I hugged him good-bye, clung to him as if my life depended on it (which it sort of felt like it did at the time) and then I took his face in my hands one last time and kissed him, and then I walked out the door. And for one brief moment I was filled with a sense of - I don't know, pride? - some sort of relief that I'd finally been able to do it. I'd finally walked away when I never thought I'd have the strength to. But the relief was fleeting and was quickly replaced by such grief and loss and sadness that I'm not quite sure how I made it home. I could barely see through my tears. And they have not stopped much in the two days since I left. And I've picked up the phone to call him a million times, and I've typed a million emails. Not to beg him to get back together (were we ever together?), just to stay connected to him someway, somehow. I still don't understand how he was the one to make his way in. What is it about him that made me fall so hard so fast. How is it that the first man I could never walk away from is the one who doesn't even want me?

BUT, I know I'll get over him someday. Now that I've finally cut the ties, I know I'll be able to finally move on. I know eventually I'll go a whole day without crying. Not today, but eventually. And that day will turn into a week, will turn into a month. But for now everything reminds me of him and I grieve for the end of the possibility that we were. I walked down the street to a little sandwich shop for lunch and as I walked past the bus stop I smelled him and I heard Killing Me Softly coming from someone's radio and it was all I could do to not just keep walking. Just keep walking because at that moment that's all I could seem to do - one foot in front of the other. But I took a deep breath and stepped into the sandwich shop and ordered my veggie sandwich, with my sunglasses on of course, and I walked back to work and forced myself to eat, and forced myself to carry on.

Drama princess

2010-07-23T13:53:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little "too much" when I write in my blog. It is anonymous, but I have a feeling if someone I know stumbled onto this they could easily determine I'm the author, and would be most apt to think "I had no idea she was such a fucking mess." And then the jig would be up, my secret out. I hate drama and yearn for a simple life, yet for some reason I almost seem incapable of not creating drama. I blame it on my Piscean nature to follow my heart and only be controlled by my emotions, cause I'm sure if I ever listened to my head it would tell me to straighten the hell up.

Here I am, back in the middle of this mess. In a moment of weakness I called him. We caught up, he asked me to dinner. I knew it was a bad idea, but I thought "wouldn't it be perfect if we could be friends?" Knowing that he'd always be more than that to me. It felt so good to be near him again. I was soothed. And when he dropped me off at home and we sat in his car talking, he absentmindly reached up and rubbed my ear between his fingers. He didn't seem to realize he was touching me, but I melted inside. When he grabbed my face in his hands there was nothing I could do but kiss him back. I remember thinking there was no way his skin was as soft as I remembered in my dreams, and I was right. It's so much softer.

And I still hold out hope that somehow we could make it. Even knowing our track record says otherwise. And now there's someone new. I've made him no promises, but I know I'm not being fair to him. I think we could be happy together, and my head keeps telling me to go with him. That my heart will follow. But my heart is such a stubborn little thing, it never does listen.

Another post where I admit I have issues

2010-07-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

I have serious issues. I mean, serious. Give me a guy who treats me good 80% of the time, but can't decide if he wants to be with me the other 20% and I'll spend the next 5 months of my life convinced that he's a diamond in the rough who could be a wonderful partner if only.... But give me a guy who tells me I'm beautiful every time he sees me, drops by flowers just because he finds out sunflowers are my favorite, refuses to let me pay for a date... and I'll spend the next 5 months trying to figure out what's wrong with him. Well, that's not entirely true. Generally I just decide after about 3 dates that he's got some ulterior motive and stop seeing him all together. Cause I'm crazy.

Could I be more cliche?

I've been trying really hard to push this new guy away. I mean, really hard. I cancelled a date at the last minute because I'd had a migraine that morning. I felt fine, I could have gone. But I cancelled anyway. I flat out told him he seemed desperate. Yeah, I did that. It wasn't what I was attempting to say, but it was said and that's a hard one to take back. I've kept him at a distance because I was scared to let him in, but I made him feel like it was his fault. This perfect on paper guy. Sweet, honest, generous, funny, tall, cute, smart, doesn't come on too strong but is up front about his feelings. But still I'm trying my hardest to figure out what exactly is wrong with him. He says he likes me because I'm fun and funny and wicked smart and keep him on his toes. He thinks maybe I'm his diamond in the rough. But I'm pushing really, really hard and frankly need to cut it the hell out before he's gone.

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A love illustrated

2010-07-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

She'd felt certain she could be in that place again. That place were love had grown so quickly it left her speechless. But then she saw it, the picture she'd drawn so many weeks earlier. The only trace of herself she'd left behind that could have easily been wiped away with one sweep of his hand. It was still there, surrounded by his notes and lists. And right then she felt certain that she'd been right all along not to give up on him.

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I really am artistic, I just know it

2010-07-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

I’m not really sure why, but in the last year or so I’ve been entering a more creative time in my life. Maybe it’s the fact I’ve been crunching numbers the last ten years and my creative well has run dry. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been striving to see more beauty in the world. Maybe it’s just an outlet for all my analyzing and daydreaming and lovesearching. Last Saturday I took my first sewing class at this awesome little store in Austin, Stitch Lab. This place is the shit. In four hours I learned how to thread a bobbin, thread my machine, stitch (obviously), measure seam allowances, make pockets and straps, and I ended the lesson with a cutesy tootsey little tote bag. It was both fun and energizing, yet meditative all at the same time. And as I’m prone to do when I find something new I like, I’ve gone batshit crazy about it. Yesterday I spent 3 hours in a fabric shop painstakingly choosing patterns and fabrics for sewing projects to attempt. Nothing too fancy with pleats or darts or anything, just some simple dresses and skirts. And more fabric than I could possibly need. And last night I rearranged my office to set up a little sewing corner. And finally, finally, I'm ready...and tonight the first project begins!

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Feeling rather poetic these days

2010-07-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

e.e. cummins

I fell in love with this poem before I ever even consciously knew what it meant. I don't know if I somehow understood it, or if it was just the imagery that captured me. I rearranged my office last night to make room for a sewing nook which required me to move my giant bookcase into the living room, and in return move all my books. e.e. cummins just happened to catch my eye so I read this poem outloud to my cat. She probably would have prefered T.S. Eliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. Maybe tonight.

Rumi says

2010-07-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

Something told me to pick it up, examine it, and so I did. And there on the bottom hidden from view was the poem that I'd earmarked upon first read. It was one of those moments when I felt certain at our core we were the same.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

Sometimes giving up is the most courageous thing you can do

2010-07-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I seem to be caught in the clutches of fear once again. What is it that keeps me from walking out of this darkness and finding a life of light and happiness? I’m so tired of being strong. That’s what it’s come down to, that’s what the sudden sadness is about. I’m giving up. I’m giving up on that dream I have for a happy, fulfilled life, and the grief is overwhelming. But I’m so tired of fighting.

Last week was one of those weeks. Those weeks. I sat in my therapist’s office last Wednesday and just cried. $110 for an hour’s worth of uninterrupted, unashamed falling apart. And then I came back to my office, closed my door, and wrote that paragraph above. I have no idea what brought on the sadness. What one thing made my house of cards crumble. It wasn't just about a boy, or about a soulnumbing job, or really about anything in particular. But I wanted to crawl under my covers and not come out until the darkness had lifted. It’s not that I’m ready to give up on Life. It’s just that I was ready to give up on all the fighting and analyzing and seeking. I was ready to just settle for a job that makes me miserable and a life alone. But by Wednesday night I’d picked myself up, dusted myself off, and put on my big girl panties to continue the fight. Because I deserve that happy life I’ve been on a journey to find. I deserve a job that makes me fulfilled, a relationship where I’m understood and loved, and a home where I can celebrate it all. And so the journey continues with a renewed vigor. And after much thought I’ve finally come to a decision that I’m feeling better and better about. I’m going to renew my focus at work, bust my ass for the next 6 months, and then when January rolls around I’m giving my notice at work. Because this job is too toxic and drains too much of my emotional energy and I’ll never do better than barely survive if I don’t leave. And I'm tired of being unhappy but not doing anything tangible about it. So new job or no, I’m out of here at the beginning of 2011. And it feels so good to finally give up and let go.

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Do you like me? Circle yes, no, or maybe

2010-07-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

What is it about unrequited love that causes you to regress back to when you were a teenager? When the pain of it all seems unbearable and you’re completely convinced you’ll never get over it (which of course you will). And you’ll do almost anything to feel connected to them, like drive by their house or any multitude of things that are generally preceded by too much alcohol and followed by regret and embarrassment. I miss the days before caller ID and cellphones and text messaging, when you could call someone’s phone just to hear his voice, and hang up with no one the wiser. I miss the days when cellphones were for emergencies only and *69 was just coming into play. (Do kids these days even know about *69?) I guess what I'm saying is I miss the days before I knew what it felt like to have my heart broken, and liking a boy was the most simple, natural act in the world.

The beginnings of a thousand love stories are written on your lips

2010-07-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

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It's not that I only sit around and mope about a broken heart, it's just that's all I seem to be able to write about

2010-07-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Last night Z came over to watch Daybreakers with me and gorge on pizza and red wine. This is our thing, scary movies and pizza. I don't think Z even likes scary movies all that much, but he likes me and he likes having "our thing" and so he humors me. He tells me stories about his crazy goddaughter's dating antics and I complain about my most recent dating dilemma. I think he's really getting the short end of the stick in this deal. Last night was the first time I felt totally comfortable with our friendship, not worrying if he'll think a hand on his arm means something or if I'll make him uncomfortable talking about a date. We've made that transition from potentials to friends and I'm so thankful for it. We could laugh about the kama sutra app on my phone and the impossibility of performing any of the positions without straining something. I can tell him how I'm not sure what to do with a guy who's too perfect and he can tell me I'm the one with the problem. And by the end of the night I can realize it's the first time I've truly smiled all week. And now I'm marveled at the luck it must have taken for someone to come into my life and fit right exactly where they're supposed to. I wonder if it would always work that way if I'd let it?

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(I realize this picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it makes me smile which is really what it's all about anyway.)

Uh, yeah

2010-07-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

Love is a 'powerfully wonderful addiction'

Those who pine over a lost love might have a biological reason for their prolonged yearning. New brain research suggests getting over romantic rejection might be akin to kicking an addiction.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38117538/from/toolbar

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Heartbreak

2010-07-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing. Just when I think I’ve gotten to a good place from out of nowhere grief comes crashing down on me and the weight is so heavy I feel I’ll buckle, collapse, and finally not be able to carry on. I can say I just want you to be happy, that I just want to be a part of your life, that I just want to be there for you. And all those things are true. But then something will happen – a hard day at work, a sad song on the radio… a breath – and the pain of missing you is so fresh it’s unbearable. I’m no longer sure it’s about you anymore, or if this sadness has taken on a life of its own. All I know is I feel like I’m drowning in it. I’m so tired of fighting against the darkness, and the faint rays of sun are barely visible anymore.

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Still a skeptic

2010-07-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Wednesday Mr. Wonderful came over to my house. Which is a big deal for me because my home is my sanctuary. And I’m an uber private person. And I’m weird about who I let in my space. In the year I lived in my last apartment I let two new people come over. Him. And the one who became my funny friend Z. And that says a lot considering how many people I went out with last year, only two made it past the threshold (of my home). And so Wednesday I agreed to let him come over, into my space, mostly as a test to be perfectly honest. He says he has a ‘kinship’ with animals. He actually says a lot of weird shit like that, which I currently find charming but wonder if it's a trait that will start to wear on me. And considering he doesn’t own any pets, I was skeptical. So I thought it was time he met the General, and you want to know what my dog did? My dog, who barks at every man who’s ever set foot in my home. He sniffed, he pushed his head under his hand, and within 15 minutes was pressed against him and literally wrapped around his body. My dog who takes at least 3 visits to like someone had his entire body and head wrapped around this guy like he could not get close enough. Kinship in deed.

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Today I discovered the secret to happiness

2010-06-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

is an ice cold A&W cream soda. Who knew.

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Worry

2010-06-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there will always be this worry in the pit of my stomach. I hear a story on the news - about a body found, about a person missing - and I worry that it’s you. I worry that you finally gave up. I worry that you’re sitting at home, alone, unhappy. I worry that you need someone but are too stubborn to ask. I worry that one day I’ll see you and the little hole in my heart that’s only just now patched over with masking tape and bubble gum, will burst open. And I’ll regret not fighting for you just a little harder. But mostly I worry that one day you’ll drive past my house and all you’ll think is “oh yeah, a girl I used to date lives there.” And all I’ll be is a fleeting thought of unimportance. I worry that while you’ve left a scar on my life, I’ve left nothing of myself in yours.

It should hardly be a choice

2010-06-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

What is the definition of insanity? To continue doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result? I didn't go back. I still want to. Every day is a decision to keep walking away. But I already know how that will play out. And I'm tired of crying and hurting and hoping things will be different. So I made the decision to see where this new thing will go. And I like this new feeling. This person who kisses my forehead. Who lets me go at my own pace. Who tells me I'm amazing. It feels good. And he's cute and smart and a bit of a dork. He is my type. And tall and thoughtful and generous. And all those other wonderful adjectives I've used to describe what I'm looking for in a person. I hope I'm not being unfair to him. Moving on when it's a bit forced and not an easy progression. He is not a rebound. I don't do rebounds. I'm not looking simply for something to sooth my pain, I'm looking for the possibility of a future. I'm looking for that person who will hold me up when all I want to do is crawl under my covers forever. For the person who forgives the many mistakes I'm apt to make. Who calls me on my shit...gently. I don't know if this new person is the one who will do that. But I know the old person definitely is not. And that's a bit heartbreaking to finally admit. It will never happen with him. So I can continue trying and end up in tears, or I can move on and see where this next path leads.

The hardest part in walking away is feeling like I'm giving up on him. He is alone and feels like he has no one to lean on and now I'm walking away too. And that's heartbreaking. I know it's his choice to be alone. People would love him if he'd let them. I'd love him if he'd let me. But he won't, and I can't force it. But still, it's hard to walk away. Even when walking away from him is leading me in the direction of a beautiful possibility.

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Torn

2010-06-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling quite ridiculous. I knew I shouldn’t get involved with anyone else. Not while my heart still aches for someone. But he was persistent, and that felt good. After chasing someone for so long, it felt good to be the pursued.
And so I succumbed.
And just when I started to think maybe, He comes back. With that smile that I could never resist.
And he’s caring and nurturing and concerned.
And that deep ache of wanting to be taken care of feels soothed.
And now here I am torn, uncertain what to do.
One man I feel I’ve wanted my whole life. Rough and rugged, sensitive but damaged. I can’t see where the path we’re on would lead, only that it may not be easy. But I’m certain it could be beautiful. Could be. The other smooth, light, easy. Who’s also suffered heartbreak but seems to have come out the other side unscathed. Which I find hard to trust. But the path we’re on seems to lead to everything I thought I wanted. Someone who fights for me. Someone who dotes over me. Someone who makes me laugh. It’s easy with him. He’s the smart choice, surely. But if I let my feelings guide me…
They don’t seem to trust things that are too easy.

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I miss it...

2010-06-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

I used to keep a separate private blog aside from my public one. Whenever I needed to vent or complain or just get out all of the sadness and darkness and insecurity that sometimes bubbled up to the surface I’d post in my private journal. I complained about what needed complaining about. Obsessed about what needed obsessing about. All of my darkness was reserved for the private, for my eyes only. But eventually the two merged. I’m not exactly sure how it happened or if I consciously made the decision, but eventually the thoughts that I’d kept only to myself began to make their way onto here. And it took on a darker, more raw, possibly crazier tone. But truthfully that’s where I’ve been for awhile. Not that I’m depressed or ungrateful. I actually feel very blessed and happy. It’s just that the blessings and happiness I’ve found have enabled me to look down into the darkness at the old wounds that needed healing. And it’s been rough to be honest. It’s brought up a lot of insecurity and self-doubt. There’s been a consistent theme that keeps rearing its ugly head and I’m unsure yet how to work it out. Communication, communication, communication. If one more person tells me I need to work on my communication my fucking head is going to explode. Cause I know this. I know my issues manifest themselves in my poor communication skills. Silence is my defense. When I feel threatened or scared or insecure my voice goes into hiding, as if I don’t say anything the other person will forget I’m there. Maybe forget what they were so angry about. It must have served me well at some time. At some point it must have worked. But now it’s affecting my relationships, it’s affecting my job. I cannot keep hiding inside myself. I feel as though I lost my voice at some point and I haven’t been able to find my way back to it. And I feel I keep putting myself into situations that are testing this. Surrounding myself with people and situations that force me to scream “hello! here I am! listen to me please! you are hurting me!” And I don’t want to be in that position. I don’t want to be in a position where I have to scream to be heard or I have to tell someone to back off. But is that the truth of the situation? Are these people and places making it harder for me to grow? Or are they presenting opportunities to grow? I’m unsure whether to stay and fight or walk away and find something more comfortable. I’m unsure what is the right thing to do here.

Unfinished business

2010-06-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

The third date was fine. No mistakes made, no lines crossed. He tried, but that’s what guys do. Once he sensed I wasn’t ready to go there he was quick to back off. Say we should take things slow because he really liked me. It was touching. But if I’m completely honest my reticence was less about not wanting to rush into things with someone new, and more that I felt like I was cheating. Is that strange? The whole time I couldn’t get out of my head. I just kept thinking I shouldn’t be going down that road. That his weren't the lips I should be kissing. And so even though the date was fine, the guy is nice. And tall. And sweet. I’m just not ready. My heart’s still too sore. I’m afraid he and I will always be unfinished business.

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Vulnerable

2010-06-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Let’s take a bath. Seemed like the most innocent of suggestions. We’d already seen each other’s bodies in all their naked glory. Your small belly that I love and you hate. The dimples in my cheeks. both sets. But as we sat there facing each other in the hot water I felt more vulnerable than I ever remember being. Were you looking at my breasts with lust or judgment? I couldn’t quit moving my hands to my face in a weak attempt to cover my naked body. Would he see the hairs and dents and blemishes that weren’t suppose to be there? You sat down your drink because you can’t talk without your hands and I lay back and listen to you speak elaborately and passionately about your current project. You, always with the projects. No wonder you’re so tired, you never rest. Would we ever be capable of lazy Sundays in bed? We tried once. I’d try again, forever.

The third date

2010-06-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight is third date night. Clichés become clichés for a reason, and I’m not ready to go there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions. But I’m done with complications. I had my footloose and fancy free younger days. But I’m looking for more than that. And now I want an exclusive relationship before going down that road. (Not that a part of me isn’t like – what if the sex is bad…what if he has manboobs…or a small…and oh my god if he kisses my neck one more time…) But I’m tired of wondering where I stand and how they feel and what it all means. And so I’m going slow. I’m still slightly bruised and battered from the last try. I’m still pining just slightly for the rocker with the boyish eyes. Just slightly. And so I’m treading lightly. Hoping that he’ll wait. Knowing if he doesn’t then he’s not worth it anyway. But still I’m nervous. My suggestion for casual pizza and wine turned into delivery at his place and old Cary Grant movies. Too much pressure. Too many expectations. Temptations. Think I’ll skip shaving my legs and wear my rattiest cotton skivvies.